“I wrote something to the church; but Diotrephes, who loves to be first among them, does not accept what we say.” (3 John 9)

Pastor, sooner or later you are probably going to meet this person. He or she may be a longtime member, a faithful worker, someone who gives generously, teaches a class, serves on a board, or has been in the church longer than you have. The person may genuinely love the church and believe he or she is protecting it, but somewhere along the way an opinion becomes a demand, a preference becomes a rule, and eventually nothing can happen unless it is done his or her way.

Do not be surprised when it happens. Churches are made up of people, and people bring personalities, traditions, pride, fears, habits, and preferences with them. Some people simply have stronger personalities than others. That is not automatically sinful. A strong personality can be a tremendous blessing when it is surrendered to Christ. The problem begins when someone believes his or her way must become everyone else’s way.

John encountered such a man.

“I wrote something to the church; but Diotrephes, who loves to be first among them, does not accept what we say.” (3 John 9)

Notice the problem John identifies. Diotrephes loved to be first. He wanted influence. He wanted control. He would not accept correction, even from apostolic authority. The next verse says he spoke wicked words, refused to receive certain believers, and even tried to put people out of the church who disagreed with him.

“For this reason, if I come, I will call attention to his deeds which he does, unjustly accusing us with wicked words; and not satisfied with this, he himself does not receive the brothers, either, and he forbids those who want to do so and puts them out of the church.” (3 John 10)

Control rarely stays limited to one issue. At first it may be the music. Then it becomes who teaches Sunday school. Then it is how money is spent, where something is placed, what time a service begins, who gets asked to help, or which Bible study is used. Eventually the real issue is no longer the thing being argued about. The issue becomes, “Will I get my way?”

Pastor, one of the first things you must learn is the difference between a biblical conviction and a personal preference. If Scripture clearly speaks, the church must obey Scripture. That is not control. That is obedience. But there are many things Scripture does not command. The Bible does not tell us what color the carpet should be, what time Sunday school begins, whether the piano sits on the right or left side, how many songs are sung before the sermon, or whether the church uses one particular style of bulletin. Those things may matter to people, but they are not doctrines.

Romans 12:3 warns us:

“For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think.”

The controlling person often has difficulty seeing that his or her opinion is only an opinion. He or she may sincerely believe, “This is the right way.” Sometimes that person has done something the same way for thirty years and believes changing it is almost an attack on the church itself.

That is where the pastor needs wisdom. Do not immediately turn the situation into a fight. Listen first. Sometimes underneath the controlling behavior is fear. A person may be afraid the church is changing too quickly. Someone who has served faithfully for decades may feel that everything familiar is disappearing. Listening does not mean surrendering leadership. It simply means you care enough to understand what is actually happening.

James 1:19 says:

“Now everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger.”

That is good advice for a pastor facing a difficult personality, but listening does not mean allowing one person to run the church. There comes a time when a pastor has to say, kindly but clearly, “I understand that you would prefer it this way, but this is not a biblical issue, and the church cannot be governed by one person’s preferences.”

That conversation will usually be better in private than in front of the congregation.

Jesus gave us an important principle in Matthew 18:15:

“Now if your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have gained your brother.”

Do not embarrass someone unnecessarily. Do not use the pulpit to preach at one troublesome member while pretending you are preaching to everybody. Go talk to the person. Speak plainly, explain the problem, give the person an opportunity to respond, and listen to the response.

You may discover that the person did not realize how controlling he or she had become. Sometimes a sincere believer will receive correction and change. That should always be our hope. Galatians 6:1 reminds us that correction should be done “in a spirit of gentleness.”

However, gentleness is not weakness. If the behavior continues, the pastor cannot simply keep giving in to keep the peace. Every time leadership surrenders to unreasonable demands, it teaches the controlling person that pressure works. That makes the problem worse.

Paul wrote:

“Reject a divisive person after a first and second warning, knowing that such a person has deviated from what is right and is sinning, being self-condemned.” (Titus 3:10–11)

That is serious Scripture. There is a difference between someone disagreeing with the pastor and someone becoming divisive. A healthy church can survive disagreement. Christians do not have to agree about every preference.

Division happens when someone begins gathering people to his or her side, complaining from person to person, undermining leadership, threatening to leave unless he or she gets his or her way, withholding support as leverage, or creating factions within the congregation. That cannot be ignored.

Pastor, you are responsible for the whole flock, not just the loudest sheep. Sometimes the quiet people in the church suffer because leadership continually gives in to the person who complains the most. Eventually everyone learns that the way to get something done is to make enough noise. That is not healthy church leadership.

At the same time, pastors need to examine themselves because it is possible for the pastor to become the controlling person.

Peter warned church leaders:

“shepherd the flock of God among you, exercising oversight not under compulsion, but voluntarily, according to the will of God; and not with greed, but with eagerness; nor yet as domineering over those assigned to your care, but by proving to be examples to the flock.” (1 Peter 5:2–3)

A pastor does not solve someone else’s controlling behavior by becoming a dictator. Biblical leadership is not, “I am the pastor, so everybody does what I say.” A pastor is an under-shepherd. Christ is the Head of the church.

“He is also the head of the body, the church.” (Colossians 1:18)

That means the pastor and the difficult member ultimately answer to the same Lord. The goal is not for the pastor to win. The goal is for Christ to rule His church.

Philippians 2:3 gives both pastor and congregation the right attitude:

“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility consider one another as more important than yourselves.”

Imagine how many church battles would end if everyone involved obeyed that verse. The controlling member says, “It has to be my way.” The proud pastor says, “I will show you who is in charge.” Scripture says to both of them, “Walk in humility.”

Pastor, this situation will come sooner or later. When it does, do not panic and do not ignore it. Listen carefully. Determine whether the issue is biblical or merely personal preference. Speak privately and honestly. Correct gently. Set boundaries when necessary. Refuse to allow one person to divide the church, but be careful that you do not become controlling yourself.

Above all, keep bringing the question back to the same place: What does Scripture say? The church does not belong to the pastor, the oldest member, the biggest giver, or the person with the strongest personality. It belongs to Jesus Christ.